staysonpaper (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} staysonpaper) wrote,@ 2008-03-04 11:45:00 |
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The Moral of the Story
Lessons to be learned from David Cronenberg's "The Fly*":
1) Do not have sex with Jeff Goldblum. It will only end in tears.
2) If you yourself are Jeff Goldblum, do not have sex at all. It will only end in genetic malformation, rampant cancerous growths, madness, and eventual gruesome death.
3) It is not only acceptable but advisable to stalk your former love-object, verbally and physically attack him/her in public, manipulate him/her by invoking your control over his/her career, break into his/her apartment, and make repeated, unwelcome, explicitly sexual remarks to him/her if he/she has taken the dangerous risk of having sex with Jeff Goldblum. See #1 re:tears. He or she will thank you for showing this interest in his/her welfare when it is necessary to get an abortion because he/she is having nightmares about giving birth to giant maggots (a common result of sex with Jeff Goldblum). You may lose a hand and a foot some time during the proceedings, but audience sympathy will be regained in the end.
4) Attractive, young, socially competent professional women find gawky men who own five of the same suit and no other clothing and who, by their own admission, are not much for bathing and have no lives sexually irresistible. Attractive, young, socially competent professional women utilize their sexuality only in order to advance plot points by means of uttering convenient phrases at convenient times to jump-start the stalled scientific project, or confuse matters socially by having both current and former boyfriends who will need in some way to battle before the movie ends. Attractive, young, socially competent professional women pretty much only exist to do these things and suggestively peel off stockings within the first five minutes of a film in the home of a creepy guy they just met at a party.
5) Science is SCAAAAAAARY.
6) The only thing less sexy than Jeff Goldblum is Jeff Goldblum with malformations resulting from the merging of fly DNA with Jeff Goldblum's DNA.
Bonus lesson from last week: The only thing less sexy than Jeff Goldblum with fly DNA is Woody Allen.
Tell me I'm wrong.
* That "the" is so very, very contextually important.
Lessons to be learned from David Cronenberg's "The Fly*":
1) Do not have sex with Jeff Goldblum. It will only end in tears.
2) If you yourself are Jeff Goldblum, do not have sex at all. It will only end in genetic malformation, rampant cancerous growths, madness, and eventual gruesome death.
3) It is not only acceptable but advisable to stalk your former love-object, verbally and physically attack him/her in public, manipulate him/her by invoking your control over his/her career, break into his/her apartment, and make repeated, unwelcome, explicitly sexual remarks to him/her if he/she has taken the dangerous risk of having sex with Jeff Goldblum. See #1 re:tears. He or she will thank you for showing this interest in his/her welfare when it is necessary to get an abortion because he/she is having nightmares about giving birth to giant maggots (a common result of sex with Jeff Goldblum). You may lose a hand and a foot some time during the proceedings, but audience sympathy will be regained in the end.
4) Attractive, young, socially competent professional women find gawky men who own five of the same suit and no other clothing and who, by their own admission, are not much for bathing and have no lives sexually irresistible. Attractive, young, socially competent professional women utilize their sexuality only in order to advance plot points by means of uttering convenient phrases at convenient times to jump-start the stalled scientific project, or confuse matters socially by having both current and former boyfriends who will need in some way to battle before the movie ends. Attractive, young, socially competent professional women pretty much only exist to do these things and suggestively peel off stockings within the first five minutes of a film in the home of a creepy guy they just met at a party.
5) Science is SCAAAAAAARY.
6) The only thing less sexy than Jeff Goldblum is Jeff Goldblum with malformations resulting from the merging of fly DNA with Jeff Goldblum's DNA.
Bonus lesson from last week: The only thing less sexy than Jeff Goldblum with fly DNA is Woody Allen.
Tell me I'm wrong.
* That "the" is so very, very contextually important.
